The Lover

The Lover

A Golden Shovel of Frank O’Hara’s The Critic

When you pass by, I
stand nearly still and cannot
breathe, cannot think, cannot act, possibly
because it is every word of yours that I hang onto, and think-
ing of
what you
said to me, either this night or the other,
is nothing less than
torture. That is what you
do to me. Are
you as scared as I am to break the
walls down? And always my wristwatch ticks on, that assassin
of
my
time left with you – be it in unpicked orchards
or in miniature cafes sniffed from the street with you
– the minute hand lurk-
ing, hidden behind the pewter walls of the columns there.
So let us go then, you and I, in
street-carriages we paid far too much for, the
horses chomping and cheering, while shadows
dance across buildings, meting
out
punishment to one another like a conversation
between wrestlers. Let us spring from the carriage and strip clothes from our bodies like
we are remembering Eve’s
Eden, like the first
cotillion dance we shared, full of boyish confusion
and a feeling not unlike affection between…
you accidentally rubbing against penises –
a totally novel thing for us, and
whispering to me that it felt like coiled snakes.
Oh!
If only, if only. To be
Your love, your first love, that droll
comfort of childhood. Be-
ing tempered in the rich chocolate of adolescence, jolly
because we are young and curious and…
so allow me to be
caught in this moment, despite the soft pitter-patter of temperate
reality tapping at my window-pane. Do
not
wake me, at least not yet. For if you were to approach, to speak, I would frighten
as if it were the Raven at my window, the Reaper at my door. To me
this fantasy is perhaps better, more
of substance than feet on the ground, I would rather soar here than
return to the moment. Let the second hand never tick again and you
in all your radiance, join me! You will, you have
to,
for here in this Asphodel Meadow I
must
live
forever.

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